Today, I would like to explore an important subject in the context of our relationships both with our inner family, composed of parts, and with the inner characters of the other, and to approach it from the perspective of IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy. This subject is known as „spiritual bypass” and can have a significant impact on the way we relate to ourselves and to our partner in a relationship.
„Spiritual bypass” refers to the tendency to avoid or deny difficult emotions and experiences through spiritual concepts or practices. This can happen when we use meditation, positive affirmations, or other techniques from the world of spirituality to suppress or ignore our own wounds or aspects of our relationship that require honesty, attention, and sustained effort to heal.
Concrete examples of symptoms of „spiritual bypass” include avoiding taking responsibility for our own reactions, conflicts through spiritual practices, denying negative emotions, and projecting our internal problems onto the partner by delegating the problem to the partner/others. Sometimes it involves following the instructions or solutions proposed by a mentor/master/coach/person without solid training in psychology, in an obsessive way or with a blind belief that these are the salvation. These behaviors can lead to stagnation in our growth and development in the relationship and can create unnecessary tensions.
An important aspect of „spiritual bypass” is the adoration of a „spiritual master”, or a charismatic figure (or a teaching coming from him), which can appear as the sought-after savior or as the source of our enlightenment. This can lead to psychological, emotional dependence and may involve risks related to sexual consequences and falling in love with the person who seems to have the saving solution.
Subsequent disappointment can be devastating for those who hoped the „spiritual master” would save them or that they would find an ideal partner in him. This can cause emotional re-traumatization and can lead to greater suffering when illusions unravel and reality is revealed, especially if practices involve the use of psychedelic substances. In some situations, there may also be a psychological dependence on these experiences, with long-lasting effects of repeated intoxications and difficult physiological or social recovery, sometimes impossible. When repeated use leads to a resistance of the body to the substance (the effect is no longer felt or is increasingly weaker), fear, desolation, skepticism, disappointment, sometimes depression, or a tendency towards suicide may occur.
Be aware, I do not want to say that experiences of this kind are harmful in all cases, as there are studies that demonstrate the opposite and known therapists who have proven that the approach by a specialist who knows what they are doing can be of great help where the legal framework allows it. What I write here only addresses the phenomenon of spiritual bypass and those affected by it, and you can distinguish if it is your case by honestly observing if you manifest the symptoms described above.
If you or your partner recognize yourselves in this situation or feel that you are involved in „spiritual bypass,” it is important to seek support and guidance. IFS therapy can be a valuable tool to explore these aspects and to work consciously on the inner parts that may contribute to „spiritual bypass.”
If you are the partner of someone dealing with „spiritual bypass,” here are some recommendations to support your partner in this process:
- Open communication: Encourage openness and honesty in the relationship. Listen with empathy and understanding when your partner shares feelings and experiences.
- Support for therapy: Encourage your partner to seek therapeutic support to explore and address „spiritual bypass.” A qualified IFS therapist can provide valuable guidance and assistance in this process. Take into account from the beginning that this solution is often refused by the one in S.B. as they are convinced they do not need help and the problem is just with you. Insistence in this case to follow couple therapy becomes pressure and an attempt to manipulate in the eyes of the one affected by the pathology.
- Personal awareness: Consider your own needs and limitations in the relationship and seek support to manage your own reactions and emotions related to „spiritual bypass.”
- Patience and compassion: Understand that the process of healing and working on „spiritual bypass” can take time depending on the system of the affected person. Be patient and compassionate towards each other during this journey.
- Limiting abuses or dependencies: If you notice that your partner is engaging in unhealthy or self-destructive behaviors in the name of spirituality, encourage them to seek specialized help to avoid negative consequences. Expect also at this point not to hear your encouragements for the same reason of denying the fact that they have a problem and the repressed fear that if they sincerely open up in the healing process they might relive the accumulated and deeply repressed suffering in the unconscious. In these cases, it may be helpful to know that IFS therapy does not involve diving into that pain and losing control, but contact with our true identity (unaltered by traumas) beyond the world of inner characters, which has the ability to heal any wound, when given space inside us.
In conclusion, „spiritual bypass” can have a significant impact on our mental health, our relationship/family, our social environment, and can create illusions about people who can/will save us or ideal partners. With support, communication, and conscious work, we can successfully navigate through these challenges and develop more authentic and healthy relationships. Sometimes it may be the case to consider discerning whether you can and want to invest time, nerves, and patience with a partner reluctant to any attempt of yours to change the pathological framework to a healthy one.
If you feel involved in a „spiritual bypass” or have questions and concerns about your relationship, I encourage you to contact a qualified psychotherapist to support you on this healing and development journey. It is an important step towards a healthier and more authentic relationship.
With confidence in our common process,
Psychotherapist Cătălin Dandeș